Free printable guide for partners, parents & family

How to Talk to Someone About Their Gambling or Drinking

If someone you love is gambling or drinking in a way that scares you, you've probably tried talking to them already, and it probably didn't go the way you hoped. This one-page guide gives you a better way to have that conversation: what to say, when to say it, and what to do in between.

Before You Start

You can't make someone stop gambling or drinking. But you can change how you talk with them, how you respond, and what happens around the behavior.

Lecturing, pleading, arguing and making threats in the heat of the moment usually make people more defensive. A calm, specific conversation gives you a better chance of being heard.

Pick the Moment

Timing matters. Choose a time when they're sober and not gambling, and when you're calm enough that the conversation won't turn into a fight.

A good opening often comes right after a consequence has become clear: a gambling loss, a hangover, a missed commitment, a money scare. Even better is a moment when they've voiced concern themselves: "I can't keep doing this," "I spent too much," or "I need to slow down."

Avoid starting the conversation while they're drinking or betting, while they're watching a game they have money on, right after an argument, or in front of children.

How to Say It: Five Moves

You don't need a perfect speech. Keep it short, specific and focused on what you've noticed.

1. 1. Start with the relationship."I love you, and I miss how things used to be between us."
2. 2. Say what you see and how it affects you."I get scared when money disappears and I don't know what happened to it."
3. 3. Show that you understand the bigger picture."I know work has been brutal lately, and I understand why you want some kind of escape." Understanding isn't the same as approving.
4. 4. Own your part, without taking responsibility for theirs."I know I've added to the tension too, and I want to handle these conversations better."
5. 5. Offer one concrete kind of help."I found someone who works with this. Would you be willing to talk with him for 15 minutes?"

Try to avoid labels like alcoholic, addict or problem gambler if those words immediately turn the conversation into an argument. You don't need to agree on a label to talk about what's happening.

Ask for One Small Step

Don't try to solve everything in one conversation. Ask for one step they might actually agree to: a 15-minute consultation, a free, anonymous gambling self-assessment or alcohol self-assessment, one therapy appointment, or a conversation with their doctor.

If they say no, you don't have to win the argument that day. End the conversation and wait for the next good opportunity. A "no" today isn't necessarily the final answer.

Between Conversations

Notice the good stretches. Pay attention to the times gambling or drinking isn't happening, and spend time together then. Notice healthier choices without turning every good day into another conversation about addiction.

Let consequences land. When it's safe to do so, try not to protect the behavior from every consequence: avoid paying gambling debts, replacing lost money, calling in sick for them, lying for them, or repeatedly fixing problems their drinking or gambling caused. Helping without enabling goes into this in more depth.

Protect yourself financially. You can't self-exclude another adult or control every decision they make. But you can separate accounts, change passwords, reduce access to shared credit, monitor joint finances, and decide what money you are and aren't willing to provide. Gambling debt and financial recovery covers the money side in detail.

Boundaries are about what you will do. They aren't a way to force another person to change.

Take Care of Yourself, Too

You don't have to wait for the other person to accept help before getting support yourself. Gam-Anon, Al-Anon and SMART Recovery Family & Friends all offer support for partners and family; gambling resources lists how to find them. If you're a partner trying to decide whether Gam-Anon fits, the Is Gam-Anon For Me? questionnaire can help.

You can also come to therapy on your own, even if the person you're worried about refuses to participate. For more on what that looks like, see therapy for parents and families, my partner has a gambling problem and my partner drinks too much.

About This Approach

Much of this guide draws on Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT), an approach that helps family members respond differently to a loved one's drinking, drug use or gambling while encouraging them toward treatment.

Across addiction studies, CRAFT has been associated with roughly twice the rate of treatment entry compared with control or comparison approaches. Most of that evidence comes from alcohol and drug use. Research specifically involving gambling has been more limited and less encouraging, so it shouldn't be assumed to have the same effect there.

Talk With Me

If you're worried about someone's gambling or drinking and aren't sure what to do next, you can schedule a free 15-minute consultation. You can reach out even if the person you're concerned about isn't ready for therapy. Call or text (708) 665-5271, or email me to schedule a consult.

Chris Beerman, LCSW, CADC, Chicago Addiction Therapy. Reviewed October 2026. This guide is general information, not clinical advice, and not a substitute for care.